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How Not To Be a Good Dad: Halloween Edition!

Oct 25, 2023 06:00AM ● By Matthew Jones
Spooky season is upon us, and moms and dads across the country are gearing up for the main event: Halloween! Halloween can be a ton of fun if you do it right, but there are a lot of chances for the night to go awry. But with some skilled fathering, you're sure to make it through without a problem!

What's that?

You want advice on how to be a good dad at Halloween?


Well, that's the tricky thing. There are lots of ways to be a good parent. But it's pretty tricky to nail down exactly what those ways are. What's definitely easier is figuring out how NOT to do it. I've already done a fair amount of exploration on that topic, so can pretty authoritatively speak on the topic of how not to be a good dad. Here are some sure-fire ways to not be a good dad; avoid these, and you'll maybe be on your way to being a quality parent!

  • It might get chilly, so make sure to bring plenty of bourbon. Be sure there’s enough for the kids too!
  • You want to prepare the children for the cruelty of the world, so make sure to point out at least one bad thing about each of their costumes.
  • Share scary stories, like about how your ex-wife Brenda is a blood-sucking harpy that eats souls.
  • After they’re all done trick-or-treating, challenge your kids to eat so much candy that they barf.
  • If you run out of candy to hand out, cigarettes from the corner store will make do in a pinch.
  • Tell the kids that Kit-Kats cause cancer, so you’d better take all of them so you can “safely dispose of them.”
  • Kids will get cold and tired later in the night. Some mugs of hot espresso will warm them up and keep them going.
  • If you don’t feel like accompanying your kids trick-or-treating, you still want them to be safe. Make certain each of them has a pocket knife or switchblade for defense.
  • Be sure you hand out plenty of candy with peanuts so you can weed out those whiners with “allergies”.
  • When you go trick-or-treating with the kids, bring along some healthy snacks like apples or bananas. These are great for throwing at houses that give out lame treats.
  • Kids can easily get tired and blistery feet, so comfortable footwear is a must. They need to be at the top of their game to to properly stomp on jack-o-lanterns all night.
  • Help the neighborhood kids learn the value of hard-earned money. Specifically, pay them to chuck eggs at the HOA chairperson’s disgustingly perfect house.
Avoid all these, and you might just have a successful and SPOOKTACULAR Halloween!
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