How Not To Be a Good DadMay 11, 2022 06:54AM ● By Matthew Jones
Being a good dad is hard. It’s hard to define and even harder to do. And I’m certainly not an expert enough to tell you how to be a good dad. But what I can do is narrow down your options by ruling out some ways to not be a good dad. So, if you ever find yourself despairing about how to be a good father to your kids, come up with some ideas of things to do with your kids and just make sure they're not on this list.
- Name your kid “Backup Kidneys.”
- Encourage your child to get a Paw Patrol tattoo for his fifth birthday.
- Show up at her baseball game … and root for the other team.
- Sign your son up for the martial arts class “Bloodsport Junior.”
- Teach your teen how to smoke to give them a leg up at being cool in high school.
- Once they hit puberty, tell them that the new body hair is from a tropical disease, and the only cure is to wash your car.
- Instead of putting them in time-out, you lock them in the "uh-oh closet."
- Read to them every night from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
- “… and these are my kids, Girl Tax Break and Boy Tax Break.”
- If they’re fighting over a toy, give them a switchblade and let them figure it out for themselves.
- “She’s got ten whole fingers, she can afford to lose a couple.”
- Fake your own death to get out of a PTA meeting.
- Put hydraulics on the stroller.
- For her birthday party, skip over boring stuff like piñatas in favor of a live demonstration of how to field dress a deer.
- You know, bungee cords work just as well as car seats.
- As you daughter’s prom chaperone, bring a sharpened full-scale replica medieval sword and don’t break eye contact with her date the whole time.
- Encourage them to supplement their allowance by stealing hubcaps.