THE PROBLEM: Lately I feel like all I do is nag. Clean your room. Finish your homework. Get off your phone. I hear myself, and I don’t like how I sound. But if I don’t say anything, nothing gets done. All my kids do is the bare minimum after three reminders, and I end up frustrated and exhausted. I miss when things felt lighter between us. I don’t want to be the constant enforcer, but I also can’t just let everything slide. How do I get them to take more responsibility without turning into the parent I swore I wouldn’t be?

 MARY SAYS: Sounds like your kiddos are pretty normal, and while you don’t need a perfectly perfect bunch of kids, with a few tweaks, you can inspire them to be significantly more attentive to what you’d like them to do. 

Right now, your children are relying on you to run the household with as little help from them as possible. They’re probably not even doing it on purpose, but since you’re willing to take on this Herculean task, let’s just say they’re ‘letting’ you.

Time to stop, Mom. No more following the kids around, nagging at them to get things done.

Your first assignment is to sit down and chart out the family’s routine. Put it up on a whiteboard where the kids can see it. Include general tasks that everybody is responsible for (clean rooms, prep dinner, etc.) and specific tasks assigned to each child. 

Include days of the week and deadlines. Leave space for random tasks that pop up without prior notice and be sure to require them to ‘sign-off’ on their assigned tasks with checkmarks.

Once you’ve decided on a system, call a family meeting and tell the kids you’re no longer willing to play drill sergeant. Set clear expectations for what they need to do and what will happen if they don’t.

Be specific about what the consequences will be if tasks aren’t completed—and be sure to follow through. 

As you put this new system in place, you may feel a slight twinge of guilt. After all, shouldn’t childhood be breezy and fun? And won’t they feel resentful about all the things they now have to do? (Make your chore list as long as you’d like, Mom!)

You might be pleasantly surprised. When children realize they’re able to take care of things, life becomes more interesting—and empowered—for them. Instead of relying on others to tell them what to do, they begin to develop agency, a quality sadly missing in many adults. 

And once you let your system do the ‘nagging,’ you can spend your time enjoying your kids instead of getting on their nerves.

ASK MOM offers parents a rearview perspective on today’s child-rearing issues from a mom with grown children. If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! 

If you have a question for Mary, she’d love to hear from you! [email protected]

Read more ASK MOM advice.

 

Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of eight, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.