THE PROBLEM: My kindergartner wants to do everything himself, and I mean everything. He wants to tie his shoes (even though he can’t), fix his own breakfast (including using the stove), and make his own decisions about bedtime, what he eats, etc. I know this has a positive side, but not when we need to get out the door and his shoes are untied, or he puts himself in harm’s way or makes bad decisions. The problem is, when I try to help, he doesn’t want me to. It almost always turns into a meltdown. I need ideas on how to manage my strong-willed kid!

MARY SAYS: I’m glad to hear you appreciate your son’s willfulness as a strength, even though at times, it can get on your last nerve. Your son sounds like a healthy, confident little boy, but clearly an unhealthy pattern has developed between the two of you.

I’m imagining the current scenario goes something like this. 

Your son tries to help himself to something in the fridge that’s too wieldy to manage, and you say: “Here, let me help you with that.” Or: “Be careful. That chicken is going to slide right off the plate.” Or even: “How many times have I told you not to take stuff out of the fridge on your own?”

Then the back-and-forth begins, ending with your son on the floor, kicking up a fuss.

Let’s try a changeup. Rather than address what your son is doing (and you wish he weren’t), take a pause and address the pattern first. You might say: “Stop for a moment. We need to have a little talk, then we’ll get you something to eat.”

Create a new scenario where you chat a bit about the logistics of what’s going on rather than inserting yourself into the process. Insisting that he stop and pay attention to you must be nonnegotiable—eye-to-eye, heart-to-heart. Firmly put your hands on his shoulders to keep his focus on you rather than the task he’s so intent on carrying out.

In the case of the fridge scenario, you might say: “I love the way you feel confident enough to help yourself. However, in this case, you need a grownup’s help, so we’ll do it together. The plate is heavy and a bit messy, so let’s be thoughtful on how we handle it. You open the fridge, I’ll put the plate on the counter, and then you can make your own sandwich.” 

Keep in mind, you’re not asking him to cooperate; you’re telling him to. Despite what it may look like, 5-year-olds don’t want to be in charge. You’re the parent, and he very much needs you to be. 

ERIKA SAYS: It sounds like you’ve got a little independent spirit on your hands! I have one of those, too. Honestly, it’s great that your kindergartner wants to do so much for himself. The desire to do so is a big part of their development, but it can be overwhelming when it starts causing meltdowns or putting your child in situations that aren’t safe.

A fellow mama once taught me to offer two options, and I promise you this trick works like a charm 95% of the time. 

Here’s how it goes. Offer two choices rather than jumping straight in to help. “Do you want me to tie your shoes now, or would you like to try one more time before we go?” That way, you give your son a sense of control while guiding him toward a solution.

You might also try some structured routines, especially for things you know will be challenging or time-consuming. (Be sure to write it down. A checklist helps kids understand what’s expected, which eases the stress on both sides.) I have a morning and bedtime routine on our bathroom door written on paper and stuffed into a plastic protector. My son uses a dry eraser marker to check off when he’s completed each step. We’ve been doing this for a few years now—he’ll be 9 in a few days, and it still works. 

Regarding safety concerns (like the stove), try a “safety first” conversation, where you explain why certain things aren’t negotiable. You can empathize with his desire to try new things but set clear boundaries. Then, giving him age-appropriate tasks to help with—like setting the table or stirring ingredients—which will make him feel part of the process.

Be creative! There are so many kid-friendly tools your son can use. My son loved to help in the kitchen early on. If I were chopping veggies, I would set him up with his cutting board, a veggie, and his plastic serrated knife to help. As an added bonus, he’s become a pretty confident and competent chef! 

Hang in there—this stage can feel like an endless tug of war, but you'll both find a groove with a bit of patience and creativity.

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising a small child (Erika). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! 

If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we’d love to hear from you! [email protected]

Read more ASK MOM advice.

 

Mary Follin is the author of Teach Your Child to Read™ and ETHYR, winner of the Moonbeam Children's Book Award and the Gertrude Warner Book Award. She is mom to two grown sons and enjoys sharing her more seasoned perspective  with parents of younger children. 

Erika Guerrero is a freelance hair and makeup artist, Erika K. Beauty, and mama to one amazing boy and a darling daughter.

 

 

Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of eight, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.