THE PROBLEM: My big-hearted 5 yo boy has a bad habit of talking only about himself. He’s extremely caring toward others, yet he shows no interest in what they have to say. He’ll be the first one to give another child his toy or get upset when a classmate cries. But when his best friend says he went to his grandma’s house, he’ll say: “Well my grandma…” Or when another child wants to tell him what they got for their birthday, he’ll say: “Well I got…” I know adults who do that, and frankly, they’re bores! I don’t want my son to be like them. Besides pointing this problem out to him (which I have, to no avail) what can I do? 

MARY SAYS: What a wonderful little boy you’ve got! You’ve taught him how to be sensitive to others’ needs—and their suffering. He exuberantly engages with others in conversation, and he’s mature enough to respond. He also has a perfectly healthy sense of self, which is evident by his ability to share.

Five-year old children should be self-centered. They’re still figuring out how they fit in their world: “You have a grandma? I do, too! You got birthday presents? Me, too!”

In other words, you’ve got nothing to worried about.

Your child’s interest in telling others about himself is simply a five-year-old’s effort to connect. (When a child doesn’t talk about himself is when you should worry.) If your son were a teenager, this conversation might be different. But please don’t rush your little boy in this early, critical stage of development. 

That said, it’s never too early to teach your son how to listen. Do this in gentle, fun ways that don’t make him feel ashamed for talking about himself. For example, send him to school in the morning on a ‘scavenger hunt.’ Tell him to bring home a juicy tidbit about what his classmate did over the weekend or what his teacher likes about teaching. 

Make it a game to find out something new about somebody else.

And be sure to talk about yourself. Every day, tell your son something you did during the day. Parent-child conversations often tend to be one-way—centered only on the child. If it feels odd sharing your thoughts and your day with your son, we may be on to something. If you start doing this now, you might be delightfully surprised one day to find he comes home from school and asks: “How was your day?”

ERIKA SAYS: As irritating as this problem can be when talking to adults, I have to say this is entirely normal for a child your son's age. He’s right on track developmentally; all he needs is guidance. Children his age are pretty selfish if you think about it. When his conversations sound like he’s trying to one-up his friends, they most likely don’t even notice! 

Conversational skills come with practice, and this is where you can help. Teach him how to actively listen and show interest in what his peers say.  When you have conversations with him, ask open-ended questions. You could even role-play or practice playing pretend with his stuffies. 

I often incorporate books to reinforce issues I’m working on with my son. Look for books on communicating with your peers, active listening, or social skills. Reading aloud together gives us something to chat about. 

You could chime in occasionally when your son interacts with his friends to help him stick to the topic. Try not to overdo it, though. Very sparingly, jump in and ask a question or two when you see he's struggling. Soon enough, he’ll pick up on your cues and apply them on his own.

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising a small child (Erika). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! 

If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we’d love to hear from you! [email protected]

Read more ASK MOM advice.

 

Mary Follin is the author of Teach Your Child to Read™ and ETHYR, winner of the Moonbeam Children's Book Award and the Gertrude Warner Book Award. She is mom to two grown sons and enjoys sharing her more seasoned perspective  with parents of younger children. 

Erika Guerrero is a freelance hair and makeup artist, Erika K. Beauty, and mama to one amazing boy and a darling daughter.

 

 

Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of eight, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.