ASK MOM: Grieving Son Can't Seem to Move On

Aug 02, 2024 01:55AM ● By by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero

Drawing by Suzanne Johnson

THE PROBLEM: Our dog, Noodle, died about six months ago, and my youngest boy (7 yo) is still struggling. I appreciate that grief takes its own time, but still, I wish I could do something to help him feel better. He talks about Noodle all the time (which I encourage), but he cries in bed before he goes to sleep—almost every night—which worries me to no end. He also sits by Noodle’s grave (by the fence in our back yard) and talks to her. At first, I thought it was sweet, but he spends a lot of time out there instead of doing things he used to love to do. How can I help him get through his grief without pushing him?

MARY SAYS: Loss hurts for all of us, but can be especially painful for younger hearts. And while death is the most obvious, children will grieve almost anything: classmates during summer vacation, a neighbor’s cat who doesn’t stop by anymore, or a beloved teacher who won’t be moving up a grade when your child does.

You are wise to take a thoughtful approach to helping your son move beyond his grief to a healthier—and happier—frame of mind.

Books are an excellent place to start. Between the covers of a truly thoughtful book on loss, your son will find relatable stories and valuable insights to help make sense of his experience and take comfort in knowing he's not the only one who feels the way he does.

But books alone won’t heal the pain of grief, although they may offer a key insight that will resonate with your kiddo. Grief support and understanding from caring adults—such as parents, guardians, teachers, and counselors—will be crucial in helping him move on.

Create a safe and open space for your son to express his emotions, answer his questions honestly (even if you don't know the answer), and offer LOTS of hugs!

As a parent, this will be one of many times you will stand beside your son, reminding him he's not alone and that hope and healing are possible, even in when you lose someone or something you love.

ERIKA SAYS: Losing a pet is hard enough for an adult, but can be extremely challenging for a child, especially one as young as your little guy. Unfortunately, this won’t be the first or last time he has to come to terms with the loss of a loved one. It sounds like you’ve done an excellent job allowing your son space to feel and express his grief, as well as validating sadness and sharing your sentiments with him.

I’m gathering that your son and Noodles were great companions, and I wonder if Noodles was much more than just a pal to him. I had a dog who wasn’t trained or certified to be an emotional support dog, but to this day, I say he was. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety most of my teenage and adult life, and Iggy somehow knew when I was anxious, having panic attacks, or feeling a little extra sad. I loved all of my pets deeply, but Iggy’s loss is still the hardest I’ve had to deal with.

Considering you’ve held space and allowed your son to come to terms with the loss of Noodle on his own, perhaps you should consider seeking help from a therapist. It won’t hurt to find out if something more profound is happening with him.

As hard as Noodle’s departure has been, loss is an opportunity for growth. You’ve done a great job thus far, allowing your son to express his sadness and validating him through his grieving process.

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising a small child (Erika). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in!

If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we’d love to hear from you! [email protected]