This is the story
of two local women who came together, one a survivor and one an advocate.
Shelby [her real
name] was 16 when she had her first real relationship. Her new boyfriend (Jack, not his real name) behaved
in ways that seemed pretty typical with new love: he moved the relationship
quickly and intensely, always wanted to know where she was, and showered her
with flattery. All were also typical of ‘love-bombing,’ a common way abusive
relationships begin. Jack constantly
texted her, checked her shared location on his phone, and made a point of
knowing whom she was with. None of the behavior concerned Shelby. She was young
and, like many teens, thought that’s how relationships worked.
Gradually,
however, Jack went from monitoring to controlling her relationships with others
by telling her that her parents and friends didn’t have her best interests at heart
or they weren’t good for her. Without
her recognizing it, he was beginning another typical abusive pattern—isolating
Shelby from her friends and family. As time went on, she realized how
controlling he was. By then, he’d also become verbally and physically abusive. But
he employed another common power move by abusers, immediately following his
abuse with affection and apologies. Eventually, his bad behavior increased and
his apologies stopped. Then the threats began—specifically, to hurt her and her
friends. By this time, she knew she was in real danger.
With the help of
her parents, who never gave up on their once happy and confident daughter, Shelby
finally found the courage to go to court to request a temporary restraining
order. Unfortunately, the system failed her and the order wasn’t granted
(that’s another story). But as they were leaving the courthouse, Shelby’s
father saw a pamphlet pinned to a board. It was for Empowerhouse. He took the pamphlet.
That simple act changed Shelby’s life.
Support for victims, outreach efforts for
teens
Empowerhouse is a Fredericksburg non-profit
for the care and support of domestic violence victims and their children. Jacqueline
‘Jackie’ Oliveira, the organization’s services director, started working there
as a court advocate five years ago. As a child, she’d witnessed her sister’s abusive
relationship and her hard-won bid to escape it. Jackie knew back then that she
wanted to become an advocate. Through partnerships with the community, Empowerhouse
provides support to victims of abuse. In addition to fundraisers, community
events and presentations, the nonprofit also partners with area sheriff
departments and Mary Washington Hospital and serves five counties.
After reading the pamphlet that
Shelby’s dad picked up, her mom pushed her to have an advocate in court. So
when Shelby made that call, Jackie was the one who answered the phone and has
been there for her ever since. Through Empowerhouse, Jackie has supported
Shelby, being an active advocate in her future court dates, counseling her, and
making sure she has the support she needs. “She gave me authority to believe
what I went through was real.,” says Shelby.
Beyond its domestic abuse advocacy, Empowerhouse
is one of 14 organizations in Virginia selected to be part of a teen domestic
violence (TDV) prevention grant. In this program, Empowerhouse resource
officers visit area middle and high schools and educate the students on TDV.
They help them learn what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like by teaching
them the red flags of abusive relationships and by facilitating open
communication and conversations. Because they’re reached while in middle and
high school, kids learn at a pivotal time how to form healthy relationships
based on mutual trust and respect. In fact, research shows that schools can
make a difference in preventing teen dating violence by adding this sort of
program to their curriculum.
How to help your teen
As parents, we sometimes
struggle to remember what it felt like at that age—to push the parental bonds,
establish new relationships and make your own decisions while at the same time
wanting to know your parents are there when needed. We watch our children as
they vacillate between fierce independence and child-like neediness. And no
doubt, watching them navigate this time can be frustrating, especially with the
technology we all carry with us.
So what, as a
parent, can you do? Talk to them about what healthy relationships should look
like and lead by example. If you and your spouse treat each other with respect
and trust, your child will learn from that. If your child is in a relationship
that you have doubts about, be there for them.
“Believe your
child if they say they are being victimized,” advises Jackie. “Don’t brush it
off. Help them file police reports, be present with them in court, but also
allow your child to make their own decisions on how they want to move forward.
Shelby has
guidance for parents, too. “Ask your kid if they’re ok. Keep asking if they’re
ok.,” she says. “Tell them that you love them and that you’re safe. Push through,
keep being there, over and over. My parents did that, and they broke through.”
Shelby is 18 now but
her abuse is still fresh. You can feel her pain through the phone. Her voice
cracks when speaking. “A small part of me feels like he still owns me,” she
says. “But I can do everything in my power. I never want to be that girl that
feels unsafe. I never want to be that girl again.”
She pauses and I
hear Jackie in the background reassuring her. Then Shelby continues, “I’m not a
victim anymore, I’m a survivor.” And she is. Shelby currently attends a nearby university
and plans to become a lawyer, advocating for domestic abuse victims while
practicing criminal and family law. She’s even started a program while in
school called RISE, to help young women who are abused.
At the end of our conversation, I reconfirm
one more time if she wants us to use her real name. She answers yes. “I want to claim my voice, I was told to be
silent previously,” she says. “My story could help other kids. Others can find
justice. I will always be willing to talk about it.”
An
astonishing 33%
of adolescents in America are victims of sexual, physical, verbal or
emotional dating abuse. Forty-three
percent of college women report experiencing violent and abusive dating
behaviors.
Visit the teen
resources page at EmpowerhouseVA.org
