THE PROBLEM: I’m having trouble getting my daughter to separate herself from me. She’s a junior in high school and can’t seem to make a single decision without running it through me. It started when she was little, with constant demands for me to make decisions for her. (Mom, should I wear the pink or blue top? Should I join the school book club? Should I ask Dylan or Susie to sleep over?) I always try and help her think through these things, but over the years, frankly, it’s gotten on my nerves. I keep telling her to decide for herself, but she always comes back around to me, and I end up telling her what to do just to get her to stop asking. How can I get out of this cycle
MARY SAYS: You’ve raised a young woman who clearly trusts your judgment—what a gift! However, your daughter’s over-reliance on you may be long overdue for a change. It’s critical she finds her own voice, especially with just a few years left until she becomes an adult.
It’s time, Mom, to gently nudge your daughter toward independence. Start by turning her questions back to her.
Her: “Should I join the book club?”
You: “What interests you about a book club?”
Her: “I was thinking of calling Dylan. Do you think I should?”
You: “What do you think?”
In other words, encourage her to explore her own motivations and values. If she keeps badgering you for a decision, pick a go-to response and stick to it every time. (“I can’t make that decision for you” is a good one.)
Try making a game out of decision-making. Encourage your daughter to take small risks—whether it’s ordering for herself at a restaurant or planning an afternoon out with friends without consulting you. Set small, “no-checking-in” goals, letting her know you’re proud of her for stepping out a little each time.
And be sure to check your own responses. Reflecting back on it, have you trained your daughter to look to you for guidance on all these small details? If she’s gotten pointers from you on demand, why should she stop?
Celebrate her decisions, big or small, without adding your two cents. Part of solving this issue will be your ability to relinquish control. If she makes a bad decision, let her deal with the consequences on her own. That’s how young people learn.
ERIKA SAYS: As if we as moms have the extra capacity to make even one more decision. Right?! In all seriousness, I understand your frustration, and I agree that your daughter should be capable of making decisions on her own.
But I wonder why your daughter is having such a tough time. Have you tried asking her? It sounds as though she lacks confidence in her own decision-making. Or perhaps she’s afraid of making the wrong decision. From what you describe, it almost feels like she may have a bit of social anxiety, as her indecision appears to be around social situations.
Sit down with her and find out the root cause. Create clear boundaries, such as you will provide feedback and weigh in on the pros and cons, but she will be responsible for the final decision.
Once you understand what your daughter is struggling with, grace will flow more easily, and you’ll feel less frustrated with her inability to make decisions. Be patient, stick to your boundaries, continue to encourage her, and help build her confidence. Hold her accountable for her own decisions, and I believe you’ll start to see some change.
ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising a small child (Erika). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in!
If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com
Read more ASK MOM advice.
Mary Follin is the author of Teach Your Child to Read™ and ETHYR, winner of the Moonbeam Children’s Book Award and the Gertrude Warner Book Award. She is mom to two grown sons and enjoys sharing her more seasoned perspective with parents of younger children.
Erika Guerrero is a freelance hair and makeup artist, Erika K. Beauty, and mama to one amazing boy and a darling daughter.
Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of eight, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.
