MARY SAYS: I think the challenge many of us are having is figuring out which came first—the restlessness you describe, or the technology that may be causing it. I sometimes think of media as the ‘sugar of darkness’ because it’s not only addictive, but negative.
In other words, the problem you’re having may not be about the kids. When the kids aren’t around, are you still constantly checking your phone?
As our culture becomes increasingly plugged in, we may have difficulty discerning what’s really bothering us. A quick hit on Instagram not only offers escape, it also releases an uptick in dopamine, which of course, makes you feel good.
But after a while, your system gets used to it, so you need even more scroll time to get that release.
I would suggest you treat this like an addiction, which means you might benefit from a counselor or some other support system to help you get out of it. If walking out your front door on a sunny day, hearing a flock of geese honking their way south, or gazing on your cherubs’ little faces doesn’t make your heart skip a beat, you indeed may be missing out not only on your children’s growing up years, but yours as well.
ERIKA SAYS: Balancing the demands of four children, especially when they’re so young, is challenging, to say the least. I imagine you have little or no time left yourself, making it hard to spend time with your kids and fill your own cup. Fortunately, you recognize your excessive phone use during family time. Awareness is the first step towards change. I work from home and also stay home with my toddler. When I returned to work from maternity leave, I felt immense guilt that I wasn’t giving her the attention she deserved, so I understand how you feel.
Perhaps you can consider setting small, intentional, tech-free moments during the day. Start with just 10-15 minutes where you put your phone away and fully engage with your children. During this time, you could try picking an activity that requires less effort but is still fun, like a simple craft or walking.
If you find certain kid activities hard to engage in, look for ways to make them more enjoyable for yourself. For instance, you could play a game of musical chairs and use an app on your phone to play music you like.
Lastly, don’t forget to carve out some “me time” for yourself to recharge your batteries, whether through a hobby, exercise, scrolling, or just relaxing. You’ll likely feel more energized and present with your kids when you feel better.
Remember, it’s all about finding a balance that works for you and your family. You’re doing your best in a challenging situation, which truly matters. Hang in there—you’ve got this!
ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising a small child (Erika). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in!
If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com
Read more ASK MOM advice.
Mary Follin is the author of Teach Your Child to Read™ and ETHYR, winner of the Moonbeam Children’s Book Award and the Gertrude Warner Book Award. She is mom to two grown sons and enjoys sharing her more seasoned perspective with parents of younger children.
Erika Guerrero is a freelance hair and makeup artist, Erika K. Beauty, and mama to one amazing boy and a darling daughter.
Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of eight, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.
