THE PROBLEM: My 10-year-old son comes home from school almost every day and says some version of, “I just don’t fit in.” (My words, not his.) He’s a good kid—kind, funny, and genuinely tries—but he always seems just outside of whatever group is forming. He’s not being bullied, exactly. He gets invited to things sometimes. But he’s never anyone’s first choice, and I can see it starting to affect how he sees himself. He’s becoming quieter, less willing to put himself out there, and it breaks my heart. I don’t want to overstep or make it worse by getting involved, but I also don’t want to just stand by and hope it fixes itself. How much is normal at this age, and when should I step in?

MARY SAYS: As a parent, it’s tempting to watch the elementary school dynamic and feel helpless. All these kids running around at recess, having a great time, while your son kicks a soccer ball around by himself. And there’s little you can do about it. After all, as a grownup, how can you force other kids to like your own?

While fitting into a group may have its perks, the good news is, your son doesn’t actually need the group. All he needs is one friend. That’s it. Just one, which is a much easier task to help him accomplish.

When you’re the one hanging out by yourself, it’s easy to think you’re the only one. Help your son identify some of the other children who also may be sidelined, the ones he never noticed before.

Once he’s chosen one or two kids he’d like to hang out with, give him some strategies for opening up a conversation. He might simply ask them if they’d like to kick the ball around. Or what their favorite movie is. Or what they like to do. 

It’s often difficult for a shy child to initiate a conversation, but if somebody approaches them, the hard part is done. And once your son has the experience of choosing a playmate who becomes a friend, he’ll be more inclined to broaden his circle. 

One day, he may be surprised to find he’s part of a great group of kids he loves to play with, with one added bonus: your son will have acquired the kind of empathy that inspires him to invite other loners to join in. 

ASK MOM offers parents a rearview perspective on today’s child-rearing issues from a mom with grown children. If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! 

If you have a question for Mary, she’d love to hear from you! [email protected]

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Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of eight, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.