THE PROBLEM: Lately my 12-year-old daughter seems to live behind a closed bedroom door. She used to chat nonstop about school and friends, but now I mostly get eye rolls and “I’m fine.” I know she’s growing up, but part of me feels like I’m losing her. I don’t want to hover or embarrass her, but I still want to be part of her world. How do I stay close when she’s clearly pulling away?

MARY SAYS: Most parents recognize (and dread) the day this starts to happen, but your daughter’s behavior is exactly what kids are supposed to do. As you say, she’s growing up. The challenge for you is to stay connected while she goes through the process of coming into her own.

The first step is to understand that what you’re experiencing is almost like grief—a sadness over the loss of who your little girl used to be. Those precious moments you shared with your child are slowly fading into the rearview mirror, and you’re—well, sad. This is the stage you begin to realize childhood doesn’t last forever, regardless of how you felt when you changed the thousandth diaper or wiped a runny nose yet again.

Your grief is telling you is that you gave your daughter a sense of security, friendship, and knowing she is loved. Your sadness reflects all the good stuff you’ve given her so far!

But the tween years are specifically designed to cue both of you into a new way of relating to each other. Your daughter needs something different from you now, which mostly involves letting go.

Give her space. Respect her privacy unless you’ve determined she’s involved in unhealthy activities. Think more about tiny moments. Share a snack, help with something she cares about, or invite her on a quick errand. Slip handwritten notes under her door—a corny joke, a small detail about your day, or an invitation to tea and cookies.

By changing your approach, you’re sending her the message that you respect her effort to find her own way. And on the flip side, those small touches let her know you’re still here.

ASK MOM offers parents a rearview perspective on today’s child-rearing issues from a mom with grown children. If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! 

If you have a question for Mary, she’d love to hear from you! [email protected]

Read more ASK MOM advice.

 

Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of eight, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.