THE PROBLEM: My 9-year-old daughter has always been bright and full of confidence, but lately she’s been putting herself down. She says things like, “I’m dumb,” or “I’m not good at anything,” especially after seeing her friends do well in school or sports. I tell her everyone learns at their own pace and that she’s amazing in so many ways, but she doesn’t seem to believe me. It breaks my heart to see her so discouraged. I don’t want to dismiss her feelings, but I also don’t want her to give up on herself. How can I help her regain her confidence?

MARY SAYS: For many people, it’s not uncommon to equate confidence with the ability to do something well. The greatest gift you can give your daughter at this moment is the ability to separate the two.

Shouldn’t we feel good about ourselves, even if we’re not amazing at anything? 

Encourage your daughter to soften her tendency to give herself any labels at all. Ironically, this includes no longer identifying with the things she’s good at. This may seem confusing at first, so you might want to model it by using your own strengths and weaknesses.

Let’s pretend you’re a talented painter, and people clamor for your originals. Say something like this to your daughter:

“Sweetheart, people might guess that I think of myself as a good artist, but in reality, I’m not very good with watercolors. So am I a good artist or a bad artist? I’m neither. For now, I love to paint with oils, so that’s what I do.”

Encourage her to use a story of her own. If she’s a whiz in the kitchen or at organizing her room, ask her to consider that for now, this is something she’s drawn to. In the future, that might change, but it doesn’t make her any more or less of a person. When we let go of our labels—good or bad—we free ourselves from the prison of our own judgements. After all, isn’t it possible that we may one day lose the skill we’re so adept at now?

Only when we get out of the habit of judging ourselves based on what we know how to do rather than simply existing as a human on this planet can we truly show up as the lovable beings we truly are. Lovable by all, including ourselves.