THE PROBLEM: My 12 yo son doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore. He says I embarrass him, although I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. Suddenly, he doesn’t like the way I dress (frumpy), the way I talk (too loud), and that I’m always asking him to do stuff. Isn’t that what a good dad is supposed to do? We always used to hang out, camping, fishing, or just watching a movie. Now whenever I suggest something, I pretty much get a one-word response: “Nah.” Ideas? 

MARY SAYS: Knowing that your twelve-year-old is beginning to "outgrow" the parent-child thing probably doesn’t help much, but that’s most likely what’s going on. You’ve spent years cultivating a close relationship with him, and in order to assert his independence, he needs to exercise his option to reject you on his own terms.

And yes, that’s what good dads do. They spend quality time with their kids, and clearly you've done plenty of that!

The first step in navigating this change in your relationship is to set limits on your son's behavior. It sounds as though he feels free to call you ‘frumpy’ or ‘loud,’ which is not okay. When he puts you down like this, it hurts your feelings, even though he’s probably not doing so on purpose.

Tell him that if he has concerns about you—how you dress, talk etc.—he must speak to you about it kindly. The next time he throws a snide remark your way, take him aside for a ‘sit down’ and let him know that going forward, he must treat you with respect.

You can also tell him you miss him. Children often see parents as all-knowing and infallible, so it would be helpful for your son to know that you have feelings. Be sure to express yourself in a mature way rather than lashing out at him because you’re hurt. 

The next couple of years may feel confusing for both of you, but because you’ve established a loving relationship with your son during his formative years, he’ll come around. If you’re willing to give him space to try on his new independence, don’t be surprised if he shows up one day, two fishing poles in hand. 

ERIKA SAYS: Teenage years can be rough, so I hear. It sounds like you’ve hit a bump in the road, which we call parenting! I believe it’s nothing a little grace, love, understanding, and creativity can’t fix. Just like any other stage your son has gone through, this too shall pass. Take this opportunity to get to know who he is becoming by meeting him where he is—without being overbearing, that is. 

Sometimes, meeting our children where they are may not be as interesting for us as parents, but it’s a way to make our kids feel seen. 

Though your son has joined you for activities you've both enjoyed in the past, his interests may have changed. When you talk to him, take note of what he gets excited about. If he’s into video games, suggest you’d like to play with him on a Friday night. If he’s taken up sports, order out and spend an evening together watching his favorite team play.

Start a conversation with him via text as an icebreaker and continue the conversation in person. Ask him where he'd like to go for dinner instead of choosing your favorite spot or 'the usual.'

Try not to take your son's behavior personally, even though I know it's hard to feel like your little boy is slipping away. Parenting and building connections with our children will constantly challenge us and require our relationships to evolve as they grow. 

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising a small child (Erika). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! 

If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we’d love to hear from you! [email protected]

Read more ASK MOM advice.

 

Mary Follin is the author of Teach Your Child to Read and ETHYR, winner of the Moonbeam Children's Book Award and the Gertrude Warner Book Award. She is mom to two grown sons and enjoys sharing her more seasoned perspective  with parents of younger children. 

Erika Guerrero is a freelance hair and makeup artist, Erika K. Beauty, and mama to one amazing boy and a darling daughter.

 

 

Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of eight, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.