THE PROBLEM: My 3-year-old adored his baby sister…until he realized she was staying for good. Now he pouts when I’m holding her, shouts for my attention, and sometimes tries to “help” in ways that aren’t so helpful—like tossing her blanket on her face. I get it—he’s feeling left out—but I’m stretched so thin. How do I help him adjust without making him feel like he’s competing with her?

MARY SAYS: A new member of the household is always an adjustment, no matter how old you are. In some ways, you’re going through what your son is experiencing. You’re tired, you’ve got no time to yourself, and you’re on call 24/7. You’re feeling left out, too! At least, the ability to take care of yourself is temporarily on hold.

And because your son can’t take care of himself, he’s looking to you to deliver the same standard of care you’ve delivered in the past.

For starters, remind yourself that ‘this too, shall pass.’ Once you’ve established your routine and gotten used to having a new person around, both you and your son will feel more like yourselves.

But until then, you’ve got two things going on. You need to get through the chaos of acclimating to a new baby, and you need to make sure you don’t set your children up for a lifetime of rivalry.

I imagine you’re already working on number one, but here are a few ideas to prevent the second:

1.    Talk constantly to your daughter about your son. Tell stories about his day in preschool, what he was like as a baby, and what his favorite toys are. No child can resist a story starring themselves! Your daughter doesn’t understand language yet, so you could recite the alphabet in a soft, cooing voice, and she’d love it. Make your chatter about your son, and they’ll both be all ears. Throw in a few anecdotes about how lucky she is to have such an amazing big brother and how he will teach her how to do things as she grows up.

2.     Ask for advice from your son. What do you think baby needs now? Why do you think she’s sucking her thumb? What does she see when she looks out the window? Solicit his help. Teach him how to warm a bottle, fetch blankets, and pat baby’s back to help her go to sleep. Make him part of your team and tell him how proud you are of him for being such a big help. 

3.    Don’t interfere. When he sticks his face into hers, let him. If he gets too silly around her, let him. If he tells her he wishes she would go back to where she came from, let him. Nothing fuels sibling rivalry more than parents sticking their two cents in. Unless it appears as though he might hurt her physically, back off. These two need to establish their own relationship, independent of you. Any effort to control their relationship is a form of triangulation that sets both of them up for a lifetime of ‘telling’ on each other, ‘one upping’ each other, and otherwise viewing each other as somebody who isn’t on their side.

Close relationships with siblings are the greatest gift, and we all know people who don’t have them. While your children are small, you have the power to influence a strong bond between the two. It’s work—more than you may feel you have the energy for right now—but the pay-off is worth it. 

My son was seven when we welcomed his sister, and though he was over the moon excited, he, too, struggled with the new addition once the baby bliss wore off. 

I tried my best to carve out one on one time for just the two of us. The first several weeks were hard, as I was breastfeeding what felt like all the time, but once I was able to be hands-free for short periods, I made a conscious effort to play a game with my son, lay and cuddle with him, or simply sit together and admire the baby. 

Giving your son that individual attention—even if it’s only for ten minutes—can make all the difference. I witnessed my son’s mood shift after our time together, and I know for a fact these small moments filled his cup. In turn, he was happy and willing to help, and if he needed to wait because his sister required immediate attention, he was able to be patient.

Ask your son to assist you in caring for his sister. Small tasks that are age appropriate: handing you items, singing a song while you rock the baby, or picking out a book to ‘read’ to her. 

My son used to love picking out his sister’s outfit for the day. It was like he was dressing up his own personal baby doll! Not only will this make your son feel included, he’ll also gain a sense of pride for taking great care of his sissy. Make sure to praise him for a job well done. 

Just as importantly, take care of yourself and set aside time to fill your cup. This stage is challenging in itself, throw in a newborn and postpartum hormones and you’ve got the perfect recipe for impatience, exhaustion, and your mood to swing wherever it wants to. Not to worry. Your son will come around eventually, and all this will be a thing of the past.

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising a small child (Erika). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! 

If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we’d love to hear from you! [email protected]

Read more ASK MOM advice.

Erika Guerrero is a freelance hair and makeup artist, Erika K. Beauty, and mama to one amazing boy and a darling daughter.

 

Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of eight, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.