MARY SAYS: So your son is lying? Take heart! That’s what ten-year-olds do. Especially the little lies. I mean, it’s no big deal, and it’s a lot easier than the hassle of facing the consequences of telling the truth, right? At least, that’s how children rationalize this type of behavior, especially if they can get away with it.

It is a big deal, and you’re wise to address it now.

Talk to him about it. Tell him you’ve observed several occasions where he’s been less than honest with you. Because he hasn’t tried to cover up his lies—and hasn’t spun webs he can’t get out of—it will be easy for both of you to recount several incidences.

Let him know that people don’t trust people who lie, which interferes with friendships and the ability for others to count on you. Set the expectation that going forward, there will be no more fabrications.

But make it easy for him. Rather than berate him if he stretches the truth again (as indeed he will), give him a second chance. Say something like: “Would you like to try that answer again?” If he persists, ask for proof. A few false starts and he’ll realize he can’t get away with not being honest with you.

Don’t let up. You’ll need to address every infraction to help your son develop the habit of telling the truth, but he’s at the perfect age to do so. You’ll be surprised how quickly you’re looking at your concern through the rearview window. 

ERIKA SAYS: Lying is typical for children around your son’s age, but as they continue to mature, they tend to become more honest about their transgressions. Kids are usually untruthful to avoid punishment, getting yelled at, or having to do something they don’t want to do, such as showering or brushing their teeth. 

You’re not alone in this! I’ve certainly gone through a lying stage with my 9-year-old, and while his tendency to fudge a bit has improved, he still occasionally tells a lie. When I ask him why he didn't tell the truth, it’s almost always because he’s afraid of upsetting me or getting punished. (Note to self: pay attention to my own reactions and remain calm when I tell my son that lying is not okay.) 

The key is to avoid making him feel ashamed. 

For me, fostering an environment built on love and trust is essential. This may look like calling out the lie, offering him a chance to tell the truth, and allowing him to do better. 

I also try to practice what I preach and model the behavior I want my children to emulate. If I make a mistake, I don't try to cover it up; instead, I'm forthcoming about what I’ve done and encourage my son to be the same. 

Set clear expectations and be specific about what the consequences for lying will be. And be sure to follow through! Correct with love, and he will learn to do that, too—with himself and others. 
 

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising a small child (Erika). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! 

If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we’d love to hear from you! [email protected]

Read more ASK MOM advice.

 

Mary Follin is the author of Teach Your Child to Read and ETHYR, winner of the Moonbeam Children's Book Award and the Gertrude Warner Book Award. She is mom to two grown sons and enjoys sharing her more seasoned perspective  with parents of younger children. 

Erika Guerrero is a freelance hair and makeup artist, Erika K. Beauty, and mama to one amazing boy and a darling daughter.

 

 

Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of eight, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.