THE PROBLEM: I think my kids need more practice taking care of others. They complain when I ask them to do anything, and when I took them to volunteer at our local foodbank, you would think I was taking away their video games the way they fussed. Maybe I SHOULD take away their games, but I am more interested in helping them cultivate a giving heart than I am in punishing them. What can I do? 

MARY SAYS: Kudos to you for prioritizing this; the world would be a better place if all parents felt the way you do. When giving hearts get ‘flabby,’ it’s time to mobilize! However, as you’ve learned, making someone feel generous isn’t particularly effective. 

Giving is about empowerment—for oneself and for those you’re giving to. I’m wondering if your children feel as though they’re being told what to do rather than drawing inspiration from within? 

You mentioned the kids balk when you ask them to do something. How about raising the bar on their tasks? Rather than just being required to take care of themselves, assign tasks that contribute to the whole family. The younger ones can be the stray stuff picker-uppers (everybody’s stuff), and the older ones can make a meal one or two nights a week. 

And that’s just a start.

Insist your children contribute to the family’s wellbeing by setting the expectation that everyone pitches in—in a big way. Children want to be contributing members of something, which ideally starts at home. 

Once your kids experience the empowerment that comes with looking out for others, you can expand to the larger community. Tap into what each of your children have a natural proclivity for, engage them in a related community service, and I suspect you will see those young hearts begin to grow. 

ERIKA SAYS: Working with kids throughout the years, I've concluded that children of all ages, including teenagers, can be pretty self-absorbed. Is it annoying? Yes. Is it normal? Yes. Is it too late to do something about it? Definitely not! 

Sometimes, kids behave the way they do simply because they lack awareness. I can tell you from experience that sheltering a child too much can make a child ‘unaware.’ For example, I frequently protect my son from watching or listening to the news because I don’t want him to experience sadness. On the flip side, however, I may be hindering my child’s ability to be empathetic. It’s a delicate balance.

The best way to help your kids is to model, teach, and encourage. It sounds like you're already on the right track! Our children often learn best by watching. They learn how to communicate by watching us interact with others, resolve problems by watching us overcome obstacles, and show kindness by watching how we treat others. 

Encourage your children to hold space in their hearts for each other and their peers. At home, assign each of them chores and emphasize that you all are a team; helping one another with no strings attached is a must. 

Insist they serve your community in small ways, such as helping an elderly neighbor take out the trash, and in significant ways, like the contribution you’re already making to local food bank. 
Change takes time, so be patient and understanding. Continue to be proactive and watch your children transform. You’re doing great! 

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising a small child (Erika). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! 

If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we’d love to hear from you! [email protected]

Read more ASK MOM advice.

 

Mary Follin is the author of Teach Your Child to Read and ETHYR, winner of the Moonbeam Children's Book Award and the Gertrude Warner Book Award. She is mom to two grown sons and enjoys sharing her more seasoned perspective  with parents of younger children. 

Erika Guerrero is a freelance hair and makeup artist, Erika K. Beauty, and mama to one amazing boy and a darling daughter.

 

 

Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of eight, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.