THE PROBLEM: I want to start out by saying I love our house. My husband and I worked hard to buy it, and we feel so lucky to have it. But my kids complain that it’s too small—too crowded—and they can’t believe we only have two bathrooms. We have six children, so they need to share bedrooms, which they can’t stand. Truthfully, I think the problem isn’t our house. Rather, ours is the smallest one on the street, and all our kids’ friends live in much larger homes. How did my kids become so ungrateful for what they have? How can I help them see things differently?

MARY SAYS: Kids will be kids. They think they’re too short, too tall, not popular enough—the list is pretty long—and it sounds like your home is #1 in your household. Those kids in large homes? They’ve got lists, too. Although your children complain about where they live, when they grow up and leave, they’ll miss that house more than they can possibly know! 

That said, it sounds like you’re more concerned about your children’s lack of gratitude, which doesn’t always come naturally. Especially to children who, by nature, tend to be somewhat centered around themselves. 

Fortunately, gratitude is a learned skill, something you can teach. So, let’s begin with what not to say: 

“You should be grateful for what you have.”

“Your father and I worked hard for this home.”

“Many people don’t even have a home.”

You can’t shame someone into being grateful. What that turns into is guilt, which is largely unhelpful.

Instead, start telling your children what you and your husband love about your home: the way the sun shines early in the kitchen each morning; how cozy the small living room is on boardgame night; and how sweet it is to sit outside on a summer evening and listen to the chirp, chirp of crickets.  

Beyond that, get your kids engaged with the caretaking of your home. More chores? Not exactly. How about letting them paint a mural on their bedroom walls? A height chart on the door jamb? A trip to the store to let them help you figure out better storage solutions?

Pride of ownership goes a long way. Besides helping your children see the beauty in what they have, you’ll be teaching them to make it a habit to appreciate everything else in life that comes their way. 

ERIKA SAYS: As a kid who lived in a two-bedroom apartment with four other siblings, two adults, one bathroom, and an ungodly amount of pets, I get it! Sometimes, we even had one or both grandparents living with us, plus bonus children.

I never felt ashamed of how little we had, but I definitely felt cramped a lot. The times we had extra folks living with us were particularly hard. As your children get older and become their own person, they’ll crave the need for space—space to be themselves and express themselves without having to share with everybody else. 

I encourage you to ask them to reflect on why they complain about the things they do. Take time to understand instead of assuming their discontent has anything to do with friends having more. Identifying the root cause can help you address the problem more effectively. 

Help your children shift their perspectives and recognize that everyone’s circumstances are different. We all live different lifestyles, and someday, they will, too, when they have their own families. Teach them there is no standard for success and happiness. 

I tell my son all the time that comparison is a thief. When we focus on others' blessings, we miss out on our own. People typically present an idealized version of their lives, especially on social media. What we see outside may not be what’s happening behind closed doors. 

Shift the focus to your family’s values. What truly matters to you as a family? Emphasizing and exercising those values may create an atmosphere where everyone feels more grounded. 

You may not feel it now, but your children are grateful. Someday, they will sit around the table as adults and share childhood memories, stories that are wholesome and full of love. On that day, you and your husband will surely experience a full-circle moment!

If you have a question for Mary and Erika, we’d love to hear from you! [email protected]

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Erika Guerrero is a freelance hair and makeup artist, Erika K. Beauty, and mama to one amazing boy and a darling daughter.

 

Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of eight, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.